I want a softer life

Sometimes I wish my brain was… softer

Not less intelligent, not less capable just less relentlessly awake

I wish I didn’t analyse every moment
Didn’t question everything
Didn’t feel things so deeply that they echo for years

I wish I could be one of those people who lets things go easily, adapts to change without it shaking their entire sense of self

I wish things rolled off me the way they seem to roll off everyone else

People keep saying the usual lines:

“You’ve got so much going for you”
“Just stop overthinking”
“Be grateful”
“Move on”
And I am grateful

I know I’m lucky
I have a job, a home, a wonderful daughter who is the light of my life

I have a close family

I have friends I adore, more than most people my age still do

I see all of it
I appreciate all of it
And yet… I still feel lonely

I can be surrounded by people and still feel completely lost inside myself

It makes me feel guilty like I’m failing at being grateful enough, positive enough, “together” enough

Some people thrive in independence
Some people love their own space, their own company, their own world

But that’s not me
I don’t enjoy being on my own
I don’t feel stronger for it
I don’t grow from it
I just… hurt

And I’m tired of people telling me I should be fine because I’m “clever” or “strong” or “beautiful” or “capable”

As if those things cancel out loneliness
As if intelligence is a cure for heartache
As if strength means I don’t need connection

The truth is simple
I don’t want to do life on my own
I don’t want to be the “strong one”
I don’t want resilience to be my main personality trait

I just want a life that doesn’t feel so heavy on my chest